The Cleanse

So I have a co-worker who's doing something called a Cleanse. She's deciding that for an entire year, she won't eat any processed foods, no dairy, won't take any drugs or drink any alcohol. I get that, for your health, right? But she's also decided to swear off dating for this year.

Clearly this contract with herself is her way of having a better life. I understand that we don't usually do our best to consider what we consume and put in our bodies. I know I follow the "it looks like food so it must be" philosophy. I'm more careful now, but I haven't always been.

You see these kinds of oaths all the time around new years and (if you're catholic) lent, but they usually don't last. I think it's because we're creatures of habit. And we need to realize that we need some pattern and stability in our lives to keep going. So when we try to do what's better for us by making a vow to ourselves and we end up being crushed with self-pity when it doesn't last. "Well I just couldn't NOT eat chocolate so I might as well give up".

I think these kind of life changes are good in small steps. That's how smokers quit. And it usually works. A lifestyle isn't just going to change overnight. We do need to take active decisions into improving our lives, but remember that with everything, we need to take it in stride. And of course we're going to fail a little bit. Especially with vows like these. We're habitual creatures and we seek little comforts in life that usually take the form of bad habits that we don't like admitting to.

I've never been one to really go in for "New Years Resolutions" or things of that nature. I always figured if there was something I wanted to do or not do, I'd do it. Regardless of the time of year or what else was going on.

But I'm also lazy and self-centered and have a hard time changing my life. And there are changes I want to make. So maybe making little promises to myself is the way to go. How do other people feel about this? Are you on any sort of personal promise for self improvement? Any success stories? Eager to hear.

My own brand of therapy (right...)

People do fucked up things in breakups. God knows I have. Lately too.

Is it just confusion? Loneliness? Selfishness? The inability to grow that makes us do these things? Probably. Is it therapeutic? Yes. Does it hurt people? Yes. Does it ever get better? Of course it does, in most cases at least.

I've been upset because I didn't know where my place was. In my exes life or in my own. And that can be a pretty terrible feeling. And a terrifying one, especially when you don't like the answer you know you're going to find. I recently deliberately antagonized my ex in a conversation about what happened with us. It bothered her to no end. I was fairly respectful, but I did get angry (which happens when someone hurts you, but that doesn't make it fair), and I tried to get her to unleash on me, to get angry back, to validate my own feelings and my place in her life.

By the end of it, we had an open discussion about how we both felt and it was glaringly apparent why things fell apart the way they did. And even though it probably bugged the hell out of her, it did wonders for me, and we ended on a positive note. I admit I was probably being more than a little childish, but that will happen. It gives me something to make up for later.

Anyone else out there have stories of painful breakups, ridiculous breakups, awkward or otherwise unusual circumstances around an ex. Why do things have to be so strange after the fact? What happens to two people who used to love each others company that makes it so difficult to be around each other any more? Revulsion? Regret? Embarrassment? You know how to post, so do it.

I thought about calling it "My search for Enlightenment" but that sounded too high and mighty

So I've reached a tough point in my life lately. Which has been the inspiration for this project. Which of course won't work unless people reach out to it. And I seriously hope you do. I'm just not sure how to go about getting you to do that. I'm hoping to make it compelling and interesting. Let's start with my life, shall we?

One year ago, a little more than that, I was returning from Portland fresh out of film school. Portland isn't a great place to go for the film market, let's face it, but my old life was here and I wanted to be with my friends and family. But I wasn't sure about staying. Then I met The Girl. Last summer. And I fell in love with her. Hard. And after that, my life took a series of compromises that I didn't mind so much, because I was with her. I got my old job back as a manager at the movie theatre (which I hate), I moved in with her and we sat around and watched obscure british sitcoms and old movies together. And we were happy. For a while, at least.

She was working and going to school. Still is, and I started having severe problems with anxiety and a little with depression (still am). It became hard for me to rationalize my world because of all the irrationality in my head. And worst of all, I wasn't writing. And that made me feel terrible. Needless to say, we both became unhappy. I was a mess and she was trying so hard with her own life she didn't have time for me (sorry if I sound bitter, but I am).

So a few weeks ago I realized how unhappy she was and how unfair my irrationality was for her. So I offered her a way out. And she took it. I haven't really spoken to her a whole lot since, and it's made me pretty upset in a lot of ways. I really cared for her. I thought she was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I'm getting a little older and she seemed so perfect. Long story short (or is it too late) I'm getting over it. I'm quitting my job and heading back to school to pursue a degree in something, ANYTHING, just to be educated and to be able to get out of this job and have financial aid pay for everything sounds great. So I'm counting down the days (not literally because I don't know my start date, but I'll find out on Thursday) until school starts!

I've also started seeing a psychiatrist for my anxiety, which is something that has bothered me since I was young. Like, really young. Probably forever. I'm on medication for it, which is something I never thought I'd do. But it seems to be helping. I'm at least writing again. Even if it is only about myself (I'm a little self-centered, what can I say?). Anyway, I have meds to help calm me down in the event of an anxiety attack or an anxious moment (which I'm taking daily, usually when I start work because that's when I'm most anxious), and I have a nightly one too.

So I'm not sure how to fix my life, or what needs to be fixed, but I'm at least changing it. I'm exchanging work for school and girlfriend for shrink. It's a little bit lonelier, but at least I have my computer again.

So I don't know if I've solved anything. I don't know if I'm on the path to doing anything more with my life other than delaying the inevitable of working some crappy corporate job paying off loans for the rest of my life, but at least I'm done for now. And as for the girlfriend, to hell with her if she can't stand the heat, she should've stayed out of the kitchen. I don't mean that, I'm more angry with myself over that for relying on someone who couldn't be there for me emotionally.

What are other people doing to reach out for bliss? In a world this seemingly corrupt, is it even possible?

Anyone else have a definition of bliss they'd like to share?

Comments extremely welcome and encouraged.

Welcome to the first post

So today is the day that I've decided to begin a quest for bliss. Or perhaps more accurately, I've realized that I'm on a quest for bliss. I think we all are. So let's get down to brass tax. What is bliss? Well, Dictionary.com defines it as:

bliss [blis] - noun

1.	supreme happiness; utter joy or contentment: (i.e. wedded bliss.)

2.	Theology. the joy of heaven.

3.	heaven; paradise: the road to eternal bliss.

4.	Archaic. a cause of great joy or happiness.

Let's stick with the first definition. Everyone knows that it's always the best one anyway. So, supreme happiness. That sounds pretty good. And like I've often been told by skeptics in film and television, if something sounds like it's too good to be true, it probably is.

How do we get it? Is it worth it? Do we actively make conscious choices to make our lives happier? More fulfilled? Do we even know what that means? Or are most of us just running down the clock until we can hit up the bars again and watch new episodes of The Daily Show (for example). Or would that example be an example of bliss? Who's to say that ultimate contentment doesn't lie at the bottom of a pint of beer? Probably lots of people, but there are probably ten times as many that look for it there. This is what I want to find out.

Next question: Does it even exist? We live in jaded times. People don't get to retire anymore. Unless you're rich. Or born rich. Social security isn't going to take care of us. (By "us" I mean the American masses). And I've seen what social security does to those that it DOES supposedly take care of. Not impressed. Anybody? Show of hands. Who here is impressed with the social security system in this country... That's what I thought. Our future's are tied to this notion of finding happiness and settling down. But just because we're older doesn't mean we're happy. Hell, it doesn't even mean we're settling down. Maybe it's just something we keep searching for until we die.

Of course, then there would be overlooking the obvious. My great grandparents were married for something like 70 years. Found each other in high school and got married, had a pile of kids and lived out on a farm. He made ceramics as a hobby, lawn gnomes and things, and she baked. I don't remember them too well, but I do remember that the kept a bathtub in their yard filled with koi and they would freeze every summer and thaw out every spring and still live. Those fuckers got huge! Anyway, the point is that my great-grandfather, like most old people, eventually died. My great-grandmother was devastated. She could barely eat. Barely do anything. And within a week, she died too. He was her reason for living. And I think they were happy. And I'd give anything to have what they did. Maybe that's what it's all about. Just finding someone you can spend time with. Talk to and realize that maybe you're both incredibly imperfect, but you've still got each other. And always will.

Questions? Comments? I promise I'll read anything anybody has to say.

I think that's it for this post. I want to remain on topic and this is beginning to run dangerously close to becoming it's own subject.