So I've reached a tough point in my life lately. Which has been the inspiration for this project. Which of course won't work unless people reach out to it. And I seriously hope you do. I'm just not sure how to go about getting you to do that. I'm hoping to make it compelling and interesting. Let's start with my life, shall we?
One year ago, a little more than that, I was returning from Portland fresh out of film school. Portland isn't a great place to go for the film market, let's face it, but my old life was here and I wanted to be with my friends and family. But I wasn't sure about staying. Then I met The Girl. Last summer. And I fell in love with her. Hard. And after that, my life took a series of compromises that I didn't mind so much, because I was with her. I got my old job back as a manager at the movie theatre (which I hate), I moved in with her and we sat around and watched obscure british sitcoms and old movies together. And we were happy. For a while, at least.
She was working and going to school. Still is, and I started having severe problems with anxiety and a little with depression (still am). It became hard for me to rationalize my world because of all the irrationality in my head. And worst of all, I wasn't writing. And that made me feel terrible. Needless to say, we both became unhappy. I was a mess and she was trying so hard with her own life she didn't have time for me (sorry if I sound bitter, but I am).
So a few weeks ago I realized how unhappy she was and how unfair my irrationality was for her. So I offered her a way out. And she took it. I haven't really spoken to her a whole lot since, and it's made me pretty upset in a lot of ways. I really cared for her. I thought she was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I'm getting a little older and she seemed so perfect. Long story short (or is it too late) I'm getting over it. I'm quitting my job and heading back to school to pursue a degree in something, ANYTHING, just to be educated and to be able to get out of this job and have financial aid pay for everything sounds great. So I'm counting down the days (not literally because I don't know my start date, but I'll find out on Thursday) until school starts!
I've also started seeing a psychiatrist for my anxiety, which is something that has bothered me since I was young. Like, really young. Probably forever. I'm on medication for it, which is something I never thought I'd do. But it seems to be helping. I'm at least writing again. Even if it is only about myself (I'm a little self-centered, what can I say?). Anyway, I have meds to help calm me down in the event of an anxiety attack or an anxious moment (which I'm taking daily, usually when I start work because that's when I'm most anxious), and I have a nightly one too.
So I'm not sure how to fix my life, or what needs to be fixed, but I'm at least changing it. I'm exchanging work for school and girlfriend for shrink. It's a little bit lonelier, but at least I have my computer again.
So I don't know if I've solved anything. I don't know if I'm on the path to doing anything more with my life other than delaying the inevitable of working some crappy corporate job paying off loans for the rest of my life, but at least I'm done for now. And as for the girlfriend, to hell with her if she can't stand the heat, she should've stayed out of the kitchen. I don't mean that, I'm more angry with myself over that for relying on someone who couldn't be there for me emotionally.
What are other people doing to reach out for bliss? In a world this seemingly corrupt, is it even possible?
Anyone else have a definition of bliss they'd like to share?
Comments extremely welcome and encouraged.
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Avoiding the title of searching for enlightenment was probably wise, because, hopefully, from this point on, I will be the only odd ball reader. We are living in jaded times and that label could bring out some real freaks.
ReplyDeleteAlas, this freak has one thing to tell you, which may not sound as optomistic as it is, but people aren't fully cooked until they reach 35. Sometimes 45 and even still, many men never come out of the oven. My mom used to say (what we daughters called "Mom's sermon on the mount) that things always work themselves out. This is true. We may not like the bumpy path getting to the better part of the end, but we will get there. Once you have tasted despair, you easily recognize bliss. And appreciate it, too.
Hello my friend,
ReplyDeleteI am proud of you for moving on and making a change instead of staying in the same place just because it is safe. That is a hard thing to do. And I think Iris is correct about people not figuring stuff out until like their mid 30's.. I can attest to that, I turned 35 this last December
(good grief... am I really that old!!!!? LOL) and I just now feel like I kind of have some stuff figured out.. and yet sometimes I still feel like I haven't a clue. :) I think it is just part of life. Keep in touch.. it helps to not isolate yourself and think too much.. and how to do I know this.. because I do it all the time..hehe. Huggs. Tobi
Well, moving on was sort of forced on my, but I appreciate the sentiment. And thanks for the kind words, but more importantly, input!
ReplyDeleteWhat about attaining happiness? Bliss, if you will. I realize I'm at the early stages of this venture, but I'm prepared to record it. Document. Where do you find yourselves at your varying stages of progress?
What brings you joy?
ReplyDelete... is it a person, place or thing? :) ... this world thinks that if we have a the big house, nice car, and lots of money in the bank that it will bring us happiness... I find this hard to believe. Take Hollywood for example, all of these celebrities making a gazillion dollars and yet so many of them are getting divorced, drinking, addicted to drugs of every sort, I mean maybe that makes them happy but I find that hard to believe.
I find that I am most joyful or blissful when I am surrounded by the people that I love, I think that in the long run people really are what matters most, it is the time that we invest in others that will really make a difference in this world.. not the fancy house or car.
It is the little things that make life worth living.. laughing so hard that you sides hurt, a really good cup of coffee, a friend that you can talk to for hours or sit in contented silence with, being told 'I love you' and knowing without a doubt that it is true , worshiping God , chasing your dreams, accomplishing what you set out to do, a good book, or your favorite song on the radio.
I guess it is as the quote says.. " Enjoy the little things in life because one day you will look back and realize that they were the big things."
I'd like to think we're all beyond the grand illusion that Hollywood makes model citizens that lead happy contented lives at this point.
ReplyDeleteI'm talking about aspirations. Human connections are incredibly important. Possibly the most important thing in life, but isn't there something to leaving a legacy? Doesn't it bother you that in a hundred years everyone who knew you will probably be dead and it would be like you never existed? It bothers me... (Not to be a total downer, and anyone that is possibly contemplating suicide should probably disregard me as a sociopath).
For some people, like your great grandparents, bliss is having that special someone, living a simple life of contentment and having lots of fat babies. Some people achieve all that and come to realize that they're still not happy.
ReplyDeleteI think, especially in this day and age, no one is really given a chance to figure out exactly what he or she wants out of life until they're already well into living it. You graduate from high school and, if you're anything like me, the world seems fresh and new and exciting and every possibility is open to you...for all of fifteen minutes, until you realize that nothing you've done in the last 18 years has really prepared you for any of it.
I can relate a lot to what you were talking about. I'm renting a nice house, have a great girlfriend, and I'm barely writing anymore. Something's missing, but I seem to be afraid to seek it out. In a way, the familiarity of monotony is comforting. Breaking away from that is probably the most difficult step in questing for much of anything, bliss included.
As for a legacy, well, the best part of lacking motivation to pursue your aspirations is being able to convincingly reassure yourself that your time is just around the corner and you probably won't have to do anything but wait for it. Old habits die hard, I suppose. I'll let you know how it goes.
-Sean